"Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside? "
---Mulan, "Reflection"
Since Im not studying at all today when i planned on it [definitely cramming this weekend], I decided to write a profound blog entry that's been on my mind, self esteem...specifically mine. I have mentioned it in other previous entries, but it was never an in-depth discussion or anything based on specific personal experiences. I guess you can say that good self-esteem and I aren't exactly...uhh close? We've had a long history together, but not a great one. The thing is, I was born with a large mole on the bottom left of my chin. Of course, as a really young child (I would say around the age of 5 or 6), I noticed it, but wasn't really worried about it until i got a little bit older (around age 8 or 9). That's when my self-consciousness came up.
My first negative experience from it that I can remember was back in the summer when I was turning 9. I remember playing at Andrews Park in the Bronx with my little brother and cousin, and I was climbing up to go on the slides, this ugly mexican girl and her scrawny chinese friend had a water gun. They followed me around shooting water at me, and even followed me around when I was standing by my family. I looked at them and yelled "why are you shooting at me..can you stop?" The girl and the boy was like, "you have a dot on your face, and youre really ugly." If you thought that was bad, wait. She also had nerve to come up to me and say "i saw your mom and your grandma and whoever else and theyre really ugly jsut like you." I got really mad and ran to my mom, telling her what happen. She said dont worry about it and ignore her. So i ran to my grandmother, really upset. My grandmother isnt exactly fluent in English, but she gets by. SO she went up to the little girl who was still shooting water at me, and told her to stop. The girl jsut gave her an attitude, said whatever and left. My grandmother got angry, so she told me to go hit her. haha how ironic, but I was too scared to. This was probably the first experience that I can clearly remember the beginning of my low-self esteem...and at such a young age too...but kids can be cruel.
I'd say that my middle school years were the worst years of my life in dealing with this low-self esteem. We all go through that phase of wanting to fit in, dealing with fake friends, stupid drama, etc., during those years. Of course, I was never liked by any of the other kids (for the most part), and to make things even worse, I was just known as the ugly girl with the mole. Don't even ask em how many times I've ard kids go up to me and say "moley moley (like in Austin Powers)". I would pretend that things didn't get to me, but they really did, epsecially in 8th grade, that was my toughest year. A group of people (mostly girls) would harass/bully(or whatever you want to call it) me like every single day; it kind of made my 8th grade year depressing. I used to have sad thoughts on my mind, but I had no way to make things better. I even went to my guidance counselor, the principal, the vice-principal, the other counselor that dealt with druggy and suicidal kids, and none of these people helped. Ironically, after I graduated middle school and entered high school, there was a strict no bullying policy that was enforced. SMH. Ive complained to my parents every single day about it, and all they told me was to "jsut ignroe it." I couldnt "just ignore it." Kids at that age can be really mean. They could have at least went to the school and complained to them saying that their daughter was being harassed by a group of kids everyday at school and theyre not doing anything about it...ehh whatever my parents are Cambodian, they dont understand..well, to them nothing is bad compared what they went through, which is true...however, I cant help it but im not as strong haha. I couldnt even go on the bus to school anymore because it got that bad. I ended up having my mom driving me to school everyday.
Now, going thru all of that hell in midle school has made me really conscious about how i am in social situations. I became more shy and quiet than before. I knew deep down that I am a good person, it was just that I wished that others would respect mefor that than whatever I had on my face. After i graduated middle school, came the summer. That summer was full of changes. I got deep into my Cambodian culture + Buddhist religion, me caring MORE about my looks. I guess the reason for that was because I was invited to a cambodian sweet 16 as one of the maids, so I began to interact with more khmer kids, especially those around my age. It was pretty hard and awkward because I really hated the way I looked and was worried about what they thought about me. Well, the chick who had the sweet 16 + her family weren't exactly nice people. I eventually found out that they didnt want me there, and all that came out of their mouth was that i was "tall, ugly with that big mole on my chin." And once agian, the moley jokes came. Matter of fact, the moley jokes still came even in my freshman year in high school by a group of senior girls (i have no idea why they started hating on me, so it was mad weird). By the way, I no longer talk to that sweet 16 girl because her+ her family denied in my face that they didnt say that when they just got ratted out by the witnesses. I wasnt able to deal with the shit i dealt with in middle school and i felt completely betrayed when i had heard about the awful things these people said about me, so therefore, I just cut them out of my life.
I later found out by my dermatologist that I was able to have my mole removed, only to prevent the risk of developing skin cancer later on in life. The day I got it removed was life-changing. I felt like I was reborn. I promised myself that I would never make fun of or discriminate a person because of their physical appearance, epseically if it is of some type of deformity...its the personality that matters most. I been through all the dirty looks and the horrible things said to or about me, so I would know exactly how they would feel. After my surgery, I really thought that this low-self esteem would go away and for once, I could be normal again. However, that wasnt the case. I became more aware of my looks, having the need to look perfect all the time, espcially to make up for all the shit i went thru with my low self esteem. I still felt low about myself becuase I would always look around and see all these beautiful girls with nice figures and girls that looked like they could be import models, and whatever else, especially if they were asian haha. I just really had that desire to look perfect. But, the media is also to blame because all you see is hearing about how the most attractive girls have to look a certain way or wahtever ahah.
As of recently, I hear people call me pretty, and as nice as that sounds, for some reason I jsut cant believe them. I really think that I need to pay myself with more self-love, and really appreciate who I am. If others can why cant i? Improving my self-esteem has been such a long time goal, and its really difficult for me to resolve, especially for the things that went on in my past. I need to tell myself that I am a good person, maybe a pretty one too (haha) and that anybody that's going to hate me, obviously must be stupid. I dont know, but all I know is that I want to be happy and comfortable with who I am, and what I look like without feeling the pressure to look or be a certian way. I been through way too much in my past, that I cant take anymore negativity in myself. I hope to improve on this because this low self esteem is my worst enemy, and it needs to be gone.
edit real quick 10/30/09: I completely forgot to add this part to my blog: Looking back, I realized that to some extent, that mole I had gave me some inner strength. I was able to face people saying all these negtaive thigns to me, but morever at the fact that I was bale to focus mroe on my inner being rather than my exterior.
