This is probably one of the most unsatisfying Christmases ever since....pssht I can't even remember the last Christmas I had spending time by myself in my room. What's the most unsatisfying part about today was that we planned on having all of our family from NY to come over, but only 4 people showed up. We were supposed to throw a birthday party for one of my cousins, but her parents decided at last minute to cancel and take her out to Rockefeller Center. Basically, I could have spent Christmas with my friends as well, but nooo. Now I'm here sitting in my room, spending it all alone. I could have seen my friend Kharen today, but apparently, the weather outside is really bad...either that, or my parents just made some excuse for me not to leave the house. At least, I received $100 today as a Christmas gifts from some of my family members. I haven't been in the Holiday spirit lately, especially because of many broken connections with people, whom I would usually call over to celebrate Christmas with me. Plus, I work in retail at the mall, and during Holiday season, it makes you resent the Holidays. I seriously have no idea as to how many times I've closed at work ever since Black Friday...its alot and a bitch too. But I admit, the pay checks are pretty sweet. Too effin bad that I'm broke regardless lol.
I know I haven't been updating lately and it was because I was cramming pretty hard for finals...ugh I don't even want to talk about school or the Fall '09 semester, because it was pretty bad. Matter of fact, this year sucked, and most people can agree. I just hope that 2010 will be a WHOLE LOT BETTER!!! I've been so broke lately, that most of the gifts that I bought people weren't exactly enough of what I would usually get them; at least its better than no gift at all. Before I even found out that I was broke, I was browsing online for things that I wanted to get myself, and stumbled upon the Nyx cosmetics site. I've been watching alot of makeup gurus and their tutorials on You Tube, and I'm mad obsessed with learning how to apply makeup now haha. I saw this eyeshadow palette set for about $25 and was thinking about ordering it...hopefully I'll end up ordering this if I'm not broke lol. (nevermind, the image isn't showing up). I also wanted to get another pair of these Bearpaws boots in grey, maybe another pair of Jordans, a necklace, a few piercings and more and more hoodies from Aero ( I'm mad obsessed with their hoodies lol). I definitely have been wanting to get those blonde peekaboo highlights for a long time now, and I'm considering about getting them at least next month, before I start getting less hours at work and lower pay checks haha. I was also thinking about getting bangs, and having my layers redone. I really like Aubrey (Fafinette x3 on You Tube...the makeup guru)'s haircut and have been wanting that for a while; I just had trouble describing it haha. My hair's been too much for me to handle lately, and my bangs are mad long now. I'm waiting until January to get it all done. New Year= New Look.
I've been feeling depressed and stressed lately, to the point where I'm stuck with what to do. I've realized that I'm back to feeling like that same 13 year old girl that I was. Over the years, I haven't changed despite the actual changes I've went thru. That probably didn't make sense, but basically what Im trying to say is that I am the same person, except that I changed by going thru certian experiences and by growing up. I don't really know how I was happy in the past 5 years, now realizing that I am betryaed by people who I thought would truly be there for me. It's like what I said in one of my statuses on Facebook and AIM, "its weird how I'm coming back to feel like that 13 yr old that i was... i lost alot and i gained only less, but its always quality over quantity so ima just have faith in those remaining by my side; however i can only trust myself." Through the experiences in the past 5 years, I do have to admit that even though I lost so many friendhsips and good bonds, I gained friendships and better bonds with a few people who are more trusting than those that I lost. It's like that cliche statement "I would rather have a few friends that I can trust than be popular and have a lot of friends that I can't trust." But, I shouldnt trust anyone but myself. I know that deep down, I didn't do anything wrong; I've always been there for these so called friends of mine, but when there comes a time where I need their comfort and their help, they would so rather not do anything about it, or not help at all. It's even more messed up that they acknowledge the fact that I've been a good friend to them, and still act the way they do. I've never seen any attempts of them trying to talk to me or at least show some type of interest in knowing how I've been. Lovely friends, right? Drama and neglect seems to follow me EVERYWHERE. I'm starting to learn how to let go of the past and move on with my life. No need in rekindling things. It will happen on its own...but really its on those individuals and if they really care about me or not. I'm thankful for my family and other loved ones that have been truly there for me. Right now, its almost 12 midnight...I'm so tired and Ima blog again later.I hope everyone is enjoying their Holidays! xoxo ♥.
