Focus on Myself

I came to a realization that the way I've been acting isnt the way that I should act. I used to be more classy and reserved in everything, such as letting certain things come out of my mouth, containing my anger, etc. It took one situation to turn me around and make me act this way. I never used to show off my anger in crazy ways (like punching, throwing things, screaming, etc.). I never used to let my emotions show as much. I guess the reason is that growing up, Ive been kind& nice. Ive been too nice that i let others step on me and toss me and my emotions around liek nothing. I never had the courage to stick up for myself. Maybe thats why my anger bottled up for years has finally exploded and came out. However, I learned that being angry and loud all the time doesnt make things better, it makes things worse. Now, im trying to go back to my old self except that this time around, I want to be able to stick up for myself. Thats another thing. Reason i never stood up for myself was becuase of my low self-esteem. Me and my low self-esteem have a long history together.I need to learn how to love myself. I need to tell myself that i dont deserve to have othrs treat me like shit no matter where i am, whether its betwee friends, strnagers, people at school or work, etc. I deserve respect jsut like anyone else, but in order to gain it, my anger management issues has to stop. I can gain respect jsut by being how i was 2 yrs ago. I dont want this beasty side of me to break up good relationships. Its hurtng me too.

When will things get better???

Alot of things have occured and it completely ruined my summer, although my summer was already whacked out. Im tired of feeling the way Ive been feeling for the past 2 weeeks. I just want everyone to be happy, yet at the same time I want to be happy too. I noticed that I havent been acting normally. Ive been eating only twice a day and on top of that, I do plan things that I would want to do but i end up not doing anything at all. Im constantly feeling stressed out and weak; I hate the fact that I hurt people I love, but I want them to understand that I wasnt out to hurt them. They need to think about me and my happiness. THings arent the same anymore and I hate it. Im no longer a child, Im turning 19 in about 2 weeks. I understand i will always be a child in their eyes but Im not who i was when i was 5. Ive become older and a bit wiser (i hope lol). People say it takes time and im not exactly patient. Perhaps this experience is occurring to act asa test of lyalty hmm who knows? I just would like to see better days. I never meant to hurt anyone but honestly i felt like i did nothing wrong. I want us to heal.

I wanted to write so many things in my blog but i just never had a chance to. Hopefully i do write them before school starts!