Living the Doll Life

Behind the doll face, lies a prisoner of her surroundings.

I remember being in my high school (senior) english class nearly 2 years ago, reading Henrik Ibsen's play, A Doll's House. Surprisingly enough, I actually enjoyed reading it because of the message that it portrayed. This play takes place in the late 1800's, somewhere in Europe. The reason I remeber this was because we were just discussing this in my history 102 class haha. In the play, the main character Nora is controlled by her husband, and he belittles her at times and tells her what she is allowed and not allowed to do, as if she was some child. Towards the end of the play, Nora realizes that all her life, she's been controlled; she lives her life as if she was a doll, and allowed people to take advantage of her. She ended up leaving her husband and kids to live her own life.

After discussing this in my senior class, I realized that I, myself have been living the life of a doll. I absoultely loved that metaphor because I can relate. I'm always living up to people's expectations, whether it comes from my family, school, society, etc. People always belittle me and take advantage. They claim that it is for my own good. But sometimes, I want to question that. Theres a difference between lookin out and just being controlling. My folks always tell me "Once youre done with college and you get a real job and you move out, you can do whatever you want." Typical asian parents. But, in my eyes, that's not always the case. I just want to do things out of free will. Why is it that important to do it later in life when I can do what I want to do now? On top of that, I feel the pressure from my own peers. I see them doing things that people of my age are doing, and in a way, I do feel jealous. At the same time, I feel like that I wouldnt know if I like to do those things or not becuase Ive never odne anything from experience to actually know myself. It sounds like I only want to do it because my peers are doing it, but let me just emphasize that that's not the case; I want to follow my heart and do what I please. Growing up, Ive always felt like I had to live up to people's expectations jsut to be accepted or to get rewarded. I think that's why I have a strong drive to be perfect in everything I do. All my life, Ive felt like a prisoner in my own house, waiting to be free. Sadly, I have to wait for another 2-4 years. Im starting to run out of patience.

Then, there are those situations where I feel that people are manipulating my mind to get what they want out of it. Those that truly know me know that I always want the best for people. I cant lie and be like most people and say, I'm grown up now. I know it myself that I still have growing up to do. And as of recently, Ive been noticing how naive Ive been for the majority portion of my life. I can get so easily manipulated only because "im too kind." Its so wrong for people to mess with your head for their own selfish reasons. Its better to be selfless than selfish. Some people just need to understand that. Once again, Im doing things to please others.

I do wish that most people can take me seiously. I'm 19 years old, not a little kid anymore. I want to please others, but I also want to please myself. As I said before, I want to follow my heart, and do whatever I want. Ive always been known as the "good girl," and theres absolutely nothing wrong with that; its just that I would like to have a little more freedom. But, until the time comes when Im finally set free out of this doll house I'm just living my life as a doll.