Drama.Drama.and MORE DRAMA.

* Today is 9/11, a day to be remembered. God Bless all the loved ones of the victims of that day. Cant believe its been 8 years! I was in 6th grade when that happened and I can clearly remember EVERYTHING. I remember wearing a light blue shirt, purple sparkly jeans, and noticing how alot of kids were leaving school early, but didnt know why. I remeber some girl in my social studies class saying how the twin towers got bombed and our teacher just said "okay lets not talk about this!" then i rememebr my math teacher yelling at me for having too many folders. That week was a big mess. Its so unfortunate how something like that had to happen. I used to complain about why we had to commemorate this day like every year, even on random numbers that wasnt a 1 or 5, but now i see how big of an impact that day has on our country. Wow, I cant believe its really been that long.

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The past 2-3 weeks have been absolutely nothing but DRAMA. My birthday was on the worst week too. My boyfriend's grandmother passed away two days before my birthday. I was so shocked to find out about that, and taht week I definitely was there for his family. WHats messed up is that the old folks had to spread really ugly gossip, saying that i made my bf throw me a party in his house, the site were his grandmother was being mourned. Ive never felt so upset about gossip before until this came along. It was so unfortunate about how his grandmother died and everything and people have the nerve to be direspectful and make things up at a time like that. Whats more messed up is that my grandma called up my mom before my birthdya to tell her all thsi and all my mom said was "ignore waht peopel are saying." My grandma got me mad the whole week. My birthday was probably the only day of that week that was good. I tried to be happy as much as possible because it was my speical day but also becuase my boyfriend threw me this party when i told him that he didnt have to because of what happened. I love him so much for that. I really appreciated it. Later that night, I developed a really big blsiter/sore on the side of my tongue. It was the most painful thing i can ever feel in my mouth besides the time I got all four of my wisdom teeth removed. I couldnt eat the thngs i wanted...espcially that bok la hong smhh!!! Then, the days go by, and Ive been having drama with friends and such. Some are resolved, others got worse. Others seem fake. I dont know anymore, Im willing to drop friendships like nothing if theyre being disrespectul and whatnot. I need to start sticking up for myself now. Peopel are still putitn my name in their mouth. Seriosuly, hop off the disco stick! I dont need fake friends. I dont like how people blame themselves being busy and "maturing" for not keepin in touch. A simple question like "how you been?" is considered staying in touch. Whatever, i feel like im a drama-magnet.

And as for school. Ugh. Im not looking forward to this semester. But on the brightside, my psychology professor prvides us notes online so we dont even need to show up to class. He seems like a good professor, unlike the one I had last semester. ANd, my statisitcs professor gives us open notebook/book quizzes every week and NO HOMEWORK. That definitely will giveme more time to focus on the othr 3 classes that i realyl need to care about, especially anatomy&physiolgy 2 >.< I need to bust my ass off for these classes. I better get back to work right now, and should be grateful that I dont need to work today so i can start my schoolwork. I jsut wish summer got extended becuase the last full week of summer taht I had was the worst way to end a summer. Summer '09, YOU SUCKED.

Focus on Myself

I came to a realization that the way I've been acting isnt the way that I should act. I used to be more classy and reserved in everything, such as letting certain things come out of my mouth, containing my anger, etc. It took one situation to turn me around and make me act this way. I never used to show off my anger in crazy ways (like punching, throwing things, screaming, etc.). I never used to let my emotions show as much. I guess the reason is that growing up, Ive been kind& nice. Ive been too nice that i let others step on me and toss me and my emotions around liek nothing. I never had the courage to stick up for myself. Maybe thats why my anger bottled up for years has finally exploded and came out. However, I learned that being angry and loud all the time doesnt make things better, it makes things worse. Now, im trying to go back to my old self except that this time around, I want to be able to stick up for myself. Thats another thing. Reason i never stood up for myself was becuase of my low self-esteem. Me and my low self-esteem have a long history together.I need to learn how to love myself. I need to tell myself that i dont deserve to have othrs treat me like shit no matter where i am, whether its betwee friends, strnagers, people at school or work, etc. I deserve respect jsut like anyone else, but in order to gain it, my anger management issues has to stop. I can gain respect jsut by being how i was 2 yrs ago. I dont want this beasty side of me to break up good relationships. Its hurtng me too.

When will things get better???

Alot of things have occured and it completely ruined my summer, although my summer was already whacked out. Im tired of feeling the way Ive been feeling for the past 2 weeeks. I just want everyone to be happy, yet at the same time I want to be happy too. I noticed that I havent been acting normally. Ive been eating only twice a day and on top of that, I do plan things that I would want to do but i end up not doing anything at all. Im constantly feeling stressed out and weak; I hate the fact that I hurt people I love, but I want them to understand that I wasnt out to hurt them. They need to think about me and my happiness. THings arent the same anymore and I hate it. Im no longer a child, Im turning 19 in about 2 weeks. I understand i will always be a child in their eyes but Im not who i was when i was 5. Ive become older and a bit wiser (i hope lol). People say it takes time and im not exactly patient. Perhaps this experience is occurring to act asa test of lyalty hmm who knows? I just would like to see better days. I never meant to hurt anyone but honestly i felt like i did nothing wrong. I want us to heal.

I wanted to write so many things in my blog but i just never had a chance to. Hopefully i do write them before school starts!

Venting

*edit* June 30, 2009:
This will be a continuation of yesterday's blog. So many things have been running across my mind, I'm not even sure where to begin. Lately, I've felt like we are all 5 different people now. I understand we all change as we get older, but does that mean everything about us have to change? Why can't we hold on strongly to the good characteristics that people knew us for? Once thats gone, it's like that person is not the same anymore...so why bother? I do admit, I've changed, but regardless of my personal changes, a part of me still remianed as the same person that I have been all this time. I know that my temper hasnt been exactly pleasant, and my angst has been exploding everywhere for a while now, but when a friend needed me, I was there to listen and to talk. I remained to be there for a friend/loved one. Now why is it that I do these things and get respected for it, yet when I go thru my own situations, I turn to the same people hoping they would be there for support....AND THEYRE NOT THERE???? Thats a big bitchslap in the face.

I was at one point in my life (few months ago), where I thought that it would be the end of everything good...errgh i cant explain. This was the worst and most stressful point of my life that nearly everyday I was crying, blasting emo music, and even was feeling bloaty/gassy/i dont know how to explain but it was bad; I WAS JUST ONE BIG WRECK. Give me all the excuses you want for not being there for me, but it was all pretty lame. I wasnt asking for visits or anything. I asked for your patience[i know im paranoid but it wasnt necessary to show your annoycance], a friend to talk to, just any simple thing!!! I didnt need to hear anyone bad-mouthing my boyfriend, saying that he wasnt being supportive, not a good boyfriend, or whatever because THAT WAS ALL LIES...THOSE WERE HASTY ASSUMPTIONS THAT SHOULDNT HAVE BEEN MADE, BUT UNFORTUNATELY MADE BASED ON IGNORANCE AND LACK OF KNOWLEDGE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP. He was there for me, and was so depressed because of my stress/depression. Ive had people that I started getting to know as friends that were more supportive, some were even of the same area as them but okay, just keep standing by your lame excuses. Even friends from school that i've known for only 1-2 semesters were being better supporters...and not because they go to the same school as me, rather because they knew the condition i was in and wanted to be there for support. There was no excuse to not be there, but whatever.

People changed I swear. As if that wasnt enough, more had to occur, and this was more recent. Great details are not necessary to explain, but I will say this: you don't ever talk in a perverted way about your "good"friend, especially if she's in a serious relationship and if you and your other idiotic friend just happens to know her boyfriend. The idiot that brought my bf's name and my name in his mouth started it, but was it necessary for you to add on such an inappropriate and rude comment? ...I dont give a flying sh*t if your intention was to "joke areound" but learn about how disrespectful that was before it comes out your mouth and onto the keyboard...and dont assume that nobody is going to read it because its freakin Facebook. You get tired of me talking to you about my bf but when other friends do it, its okay..and you give them advice? When i needed you for support you couldnt do it...yet you supported another friend..and dont blame the distance because distance means nothing, expecially for a friendship...i didnt even ask for a visit, just SUPPORT. Were all different people now, and i dont liek how certain people have changed. Their attitudes are not intact with what I remember nearly 2 years ago...in other words, they became assholes. Whatever happens with our friendship, happens. Im not going to bother anymore because it will show me how much these "friends" really care about you.


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We just lost the KING of POP, Farah Fawcett, Billy Mays(RIP)...whats going on???

**another note: It completely sucks that after we lose Michael Jackson that the kid back then who accused him of child molestaion is confessing that he never did molested him...and look at all the suffering and ridicule Michael Jackson went thru for that...ugh people are just soo....DUMBBBB!!!!! I have alot of venting to do but im getting sleepy...to be continued tomorrow.