updates

I finally got the desired haircut I wanted nearly two tuesdays ago. It was exactly what i wanted...however, as for the peekaboo highlights lol...well my aunt didnt use the correct peroxide for the bleach with the correct level, so my hair turned out copper. This was friday. Hopefully tomororw, were going to try again and hopefully it turns out blonde. I will have a pic up as soon as everything is completed.

As of lately, there has been so many problems but we're taking it one step at a time. It doesnt help that I start school again this tuesday; but at least my schedule isnt as bad as last semester. I just hope the classes are easier. I need to be more focused. And as for the current stress Im having, I just hope that there will be a good outcome. I'm still trying to get over some things taht occurred last year, and cant afford for more worse things to come. 2010 is supposedly to be an optimistic and much better year, well lets hope for the best!

Im a little disappointed that for the past..couple of weeks that I have been on winter break, ive only went to the Bronx to see everyone only ONCE...which was yesterday. On top of that, I could have stayed an extra day but I had an on call shift at work, which i wasnt needed for. great. LOL. With that said, Im very grateful for the family, boyfriend and friends that I have in my life although there are times where I take them for granted. As for the people that cut me out of their life, im not mad nor do i care. Maybe its for the better. Thanks for the memories. It's jsut sad that fakeness had to be involved. I dont get people, but its all whatever. No need to continue the drama or make it worse by confrontation. It's time for me to grow up, and let it go. Im turning twenty this year, and I realized that I really need to grow up.

I'm hardly getting ANY hours at work and i just spent a sh*tload of money solely on books for school. I reached my limit on my credit card so I cnat use it for another month. FML. I need money :(

So Ive been hearing news about the earthquake in Haiti, and my heart goes out to every Haitian, whether in Haiti, or anywhere else and those who have loved ones there. What had happened unbelievable and I pray for the best. I hope to donate some money soon. Even if you hardly have any money, try to donate at least SOMETHING. I dont know how can anybody hear about the devastation and care less? The way I see it, its like if that were to happen in the motherland, it would be the worst thing to go thru, wondering how my loved ones are and the fact that the country's land is destroyed. I really do feel for Haitains right now, as well as anyone that has a loved one there.

I feel like I wasted my winter break but whats new? Hopefully I can write more blogs even during the semester. But until next time peace out :)

***Everythng seems choppy and disorganized but at least I made paragraphs for every new topic. seriously, its not even about how random it is; its just everything thats in my mind right now.

edit: 01/19/10

soo heres a pic of my haircut and my finished blonde peekaboos (its not the deisred blonde i want but its all good.

ITS 2010!!!

It's finally 2010!!! 2009 was such a dreadful year and I hope that 2010 will make up for it BIG TIME!!! May this year be full of Excellent Health, Prosperity, Peace and Love!! Happy New Years Everyone! ♥...Ima watch the Honeymooners now! LOL

'Tis the season to be....?

This is probably one of the most unsatisfying Christmases ever since....pssht I can't even remember the last Christmas I had spending time by myself in my room. What's the most unsatisfying part about today was that we planned on having all of our family from NY to come over, but only 4 people showed up. We were supposed to throw a birthday party for one of my cousins, but her parents decided at last minute to cancel and take her out to Rockefeller Center. Basically, I could have spent Christmas with my friends as well, but nooo. Now I'm here sitting in my room, spending it all alone. I could have seen my friend Kharen today, but apparently, the weather outside is really bad...either that, or my parents just made some excuse for me not to leave the house. At least, I received $100 today as a Christmas gifts from some of my family members. I haven't been in the Holiday spirit lately, especially because of many broken connections with people, whom I would usually call over to celebrate Christmas with me. Plus, I work in retail at the mall, and during Holiday season, it makes you resent the Holidays. I seriously have no idea as to how many times I've closed at work ever since Black Friday...its alot and a bitch too. But I admit, the pay checks are pretty sweet. Too effin bad that I'm broke regardless lol.



I know I haven't been updating lately and it was because I was cramming pretty hard for finals...ugh I don't even want to talk about school or the Fall '09 semester, because it was pretty bad. Matter of fact, this year sucked, and most people can agree. I just hope that 2010 will be a WHOLE LOT BETTER!!! I've been so broke lately, that most of the gifts that I bought people weren't exactly enough of what I would usually get them; at least its better than no gift at all. Before I even found out that I was broke, I was browsing online for things that I wanted to get myself, and stumbled upon the Nyx cosmetics site. I've been watching alot of makeup gurus and their tutorials on You Tube, and I'm mad obsessed with learning how to apply makeup now haha. I saw this eyeshadow palette set for about $25 and was thinking about ordering it...hopefully I'll end up ordering this if I'm not broke lol. (nevermind, the image isn't showing up). I also wanted to get another pair of these Bearpaws boots in grey, maybe another pair of Jordans, a necklace, a few piercings and more and more hoodies from Aero ( I'm mad obsessed with their hoodies lol). I definitely have been wanting to get those blonde peekaboo highlights for a long time now, and I'm considering about getting them at least next month, before I start getting less hours at work and lower pay checks haha. I was also thinking about getting bangs, and having my layers redone. I really like Aubrey (Fafinette x3 on You Tube...the makeup guru)'s haircut and have been wanting that for a while; I just had trouble describing it haha. My hair's been too much for me to handle lately, and my bangs are mad long now. I'm waiting until January to get it all done. New Year= New Look.

I've been feeling depressed and stressed lately, to the point where I'm stuck with what to do. I've realized that I'm back to feeling like that same 13 year old girl that I was. Over the years, I haven't changed despite the actual changes I've went thru. That probably didn't make sense, but basically what Im trying to say is that I am the same person, except that I changed by going thru certian experiences and by growing up. I don't really know how I was happy in the past 5 years, now realizing that I am betryaed by people who I thought would truly be there for me. It's like what I said in one of my statuses on Facebook and AIM, "its weird how I'm coming back to feel like that 13 yr old that i was... i lost alot and i gained only less, but its always quality over quantity so ima just have faith in those remaining by my side; however i can only trust myself." Through the experiences in the past 5 years, I do have to admit that even though I lost so many friendhsips and good bonds, I gained friendships and better bonds with a few people who are more trusting than those that I lost. It's like that cliche statement "I would rather have a few friends that I can trust than be popular and have a lot of friends that I can't trust." But, I shouldnt trust anyone but myself. I know that deep down, I didn't do anything wrong; I've always been there for these so called friends of mine, but when there comes a time where I need their comfort and their help, they would so rather not do anything about it, or not help at all. It's even more messed up that they acknowledge the fact that I've been a good friend to them, and still act the way they do. I've never seen any attempts of them trying to talk to me or at least show some type of interest in knowing how I've been. Lovely friends, right? Drama and neglect seems to follow me EVERYWHERE. I'm starting to learn how to let go of the past and move on with my life. No need in rekindling things. It will happen on its own...but really its on those individuals and if they really care about me or not. I'm thankful for my family and other loved ones that have been truly there for me. Right now, its almost 12 midnight...I'm so tired and Ima blog again later.I hope everyone is enjoying their Holidays! xoxo ♥.

Living the Doll Life

Behind the doll face, lies a prisoner of her surroundings.

I remember being in my high school (senior) english class nearly 2 years ago, reading Henrik Ibsen's play, A Doll's House. Surprisingly enough, I actually enjoyed reading it because of the message that it portrayed. This play takes place in the late 1800's, somewhere in Europe. The reason I remeber this was because we were just discussing this in my history 102 class haha. In the play, the main character Nora is controlled by her husband, and he belittles her at times and tells her what she is allowed and not allowed to do, as if she was some child. Towards the end of the play, Nora realizes that all her life, she's been controlled; she lives her life as if she was a doll, and allowed people to take advantage of her. She ended up leaving her husband and kids to live her own life.

After discussing this in my senior class, I realized that I, myself have been living the life of a doll. I absoultely loved that metaphor because I can relate. I'm always living up to people's expectations, whether it comes from my family, school, society, etc. People always belittle me and take advantage. They claim that it is for my own good. But sometimes, I want to question that. Theres a difference between lookin out and just being controlling. My folks always tell me "Once youre done with college and you get a real job and you move out, you can do whatever you want." Typical asian parents. But, in my eyes, that's not always the case. I just want to do things out of free will. Why is it that important to do it later in life when I can do what I want to do now? On top of that, I feel the pressure from my own peers. I see them doing things that people of my age are doing, and in a way, I do feel jealous. At the same time, I feel like that I wouldnt know if I like to do those things or not becuase Ive never odne anything from experience to actually know myself. It sounds like I only want to do it because my peers are doing it, but let me just emphasize that that's not the case; I want to follow my heart and do what I please. Growing up, Ive always felt like I had to live up to people's expectations jsut to be accepted or to get rewarded. I think that's why I have a strong drive to be perfect in everything I do. All my life, Ive felt like a prisoner in my own house, waiting to be free. Sadly, I have to wait for another 2-4 years. Im starting to run out of patience.

Then, there are those situations where I feel that people are manipulating my mind to get what they want out of it. Those that truly know me know that I always want the best for people. I cant lie and be like most people and say, I'm grown up now. I know it myself that I still have growing up to do. And as of recently, Ive been noticing how naive Ive been for the majority portion of my life. I can get so easily manipulated only because "im too kind." Its so wrong for people to mess with your head for their own selfish reasons. Its better to be selfless than selfish. Some people just need to understand that. Once again, Im doing things to please others.

I do wish that most people can take me seiously. I'm 19 years old, not a little kid anymore. I want to please others, but I also want to please myself. As I said before, I want to follow my heart, and do whatever I want. Ive always been known as the "good girl," and theres absolutely nothing wrong with that; its just that I would like to have a little more freedom. But, until the time comes when Im finally set free out of this doll house I'm just living my life as a doll.