Updates

So my dad and grandma left for Cambodia a week ago. My dad is going to come back sometime in a few weeks and my grandma is coming in February I think. My dad has been looking forward to this visit for a lonnng time. I can tell because he is always looking at costs for hotels, reading the latest news related to Cambodia, and blasts the music super loud haha. I'm already missing him even though I know that he needs this vacation to relax and enjoy his homecountry. He works hard, so he needs to relax and have fun! Plus, he's going to visit my other grandma (my dad's mom) who left to go back to Cambodia back in 2005. It's so quiet here at home...wahh *baby cry*. At least he's probably enjoying his vacation, whereas my mom told me that she didn't enjoy it when she went there haha. To my grandma that is visiting Cambodia (my mom's mom), she is so used to Cambodia, that I think to her, its just normal to her. I think she is staying at her sister's house.

Well other than that, I've been busy with school. It's somewhat mid semester and so I'm pretty much occupied with that. Not much going on with that. I was in the Applied Health major, but I switched into general Public Health. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do much with Applied Health anyways as it also incorporates the business aspect. I do not want to sell medical supplies, manage a clinic or sell insurance. It's not something I want to do, especially the insurance part. Working for something like that wouldn't seem fun. At least with Public Health, there's more to that. We actually do writing in that class. I like writing, and although sometimes it can be a pain in the ass, I just simply like writing.

I've had stuff on my mind. I just don't understand how people can act nice to you in front of your family, but anywhere else, it's like, they don't even care about you. I see people's true reflections and no wonder I felt awkward around them, not knowing if they were genuinely nice to me or not. Either that, or they 're just busy or have things on their mind. Whatever, I don't know, but I just don't get that if they dislike me, what have I done to them to make them have that sentiment? I want to be kind, but things like these makes me not want to care like how they act towards me. Cordiality is what I need to use, I guess.

Speaking of which, I've been evaluating myself. I am 21 years old, currently unemployed (still seeking a job since I quit), but a full time student. What concerns me, is the age part. I just feel that somebody my age isn't as "immature" as I am. I don't know if I am being hard on myself, but that is how I feel. I feel like a 5 year old. I have a messy room, that I can't even maintain it. Yeah, I'm busy with school, but I should at least try to attempt to clean something up. I feel like a kid because of that. There's people my age with apartments or kids, and here I am acting like a person with no responsibility for my things. This is something I need to improve, not to make others satisfied, but for my own benefit.

And then there's people whose Facebook posts I see about them graduating. I admit that I get jealous when I see things like that. It hurts because I could have been graduating in 2012, but I was not doing so good in school for stupid things, where I could have been focused on my classes. Then I also see pics of people my age partying and having a great time in college. I don't know why, but I just get jealous. I guess because 1.) I realized that I need to grow up but also 2.) I haven't been hanging out with any of my friends. It's no one's fault. but also at the same time it's 3.) people I knew in high school changed, I don't really see them as my friends except maybe a few people.This is why sometimes, I contemplate on deactivating my Facebook.

Also, I need let go of grudges and just be mature. I realized that the people I was close to at one point have took it upon themselves to show me that I wasn't good enough of a friend for them or something. I don't know. I guess some people weren't meant to have any form of relationships with each other. I guess the only thing to do is just be courteous. But I wouldn't like people to get fake with me, but then it's easier to distinguish people's intentions. I'm done with "high school drama." It makes me feel a bit embarrassed when I think about how these things are/was on my mind.

Self esteem issues have been coming back. I think it's because of my weight and how I gained alot. It's only 15 lbs different, but that is still alot. All I wear now are sweats not because Im lazy, or that its comfy, but at least I don't have to feel like I gained any lbs. I had to buy 2 new jeans and now I bumped up to a size 7 regular, maybe a 9 if it runs small. I remember trying on dresses, and I bought one that was a size 11. Crazy. I feel like my face has gained weight. I've been criticized alot for it. I don't feel like I look good wearing dresses or outfits that I see everyone wearing, especially those bodycon skirts and a form-fitting top to go with it. I would have to find a top with ruffles to wear with a bodycon skirt to cover my fat.I've been trying to eat less, and I've only been eating two meals. I know that isn't the right thing to do. I should be eating smaller portions many times a day and combine that with workouts but it's either I am lazy or have no time.

I just wanted to stop by and write. Back to what I was doing. :)